on me

hello world...

went for level 1 sports climbing today a safra toa payoh.
i was looking forward to it loads cos going for this course has been something i have been wanting to do for long, but keep procrastinating, and now, im finally doing it.

learnt abt the equipments needed and how to tie the rope and belay, but not much how techniques on how to make the climb easier, such as using our body weight and momentum and all.

there were 6 girls altogether. 3 of them were able to reach the top of the wall, which the instructor said that "it's so easy everyone can reach the top". sadly, i dont belong to the 'everyone'. it was 8m tall. i was stuck at ard the 4.5m point and couldnt continue. I was really disappointed with myself. all the 3 girls who managed to reach the top were not sporty people. like seriously, one of them, mentioned to me she wanted to try out sports now in uni cos her body is weak and she's starting to exercise now cos she wanna strengthens her body. and me? the regular runner who strength trains as well, cant complete the climb. i know that rock climbing and running use different sets of muscles entirely, but i cant help but feel like a loser. like, what's the point of doing so much?

then i thought about my achievements over the years.
When i first started out in netball in primary school, i was the goal shooter, then moved on to goal attack cos i wasnt tall enough. then in secondary school, i continued to play goal attack for a while, before changing to wing attack, and sometimes centre. in the process, i moved from being the main 7 to the reserved. It sucked. cos people usually become better as they play more, but i wasnt. though i did make it to national under15s team, but there were quite a number of pple who made it there.

then i switched to cross country running. my body is not exactly made for running cos of my short legs and heavy weight. but i persevered on, cos i wanted to show people that fat people can run well too. sadly, in the 2 years of my junior college life, i didnt get to run in the national cross country competition at all. i did take part in the mini competitions, but the feeling's just different. and my PB for 2.4km sucks as well. In the 2nd year, sucky things had to happen and all i could do was cheer my team on while they trained so hard during the crazy intervals and long runs. as a vice-capt, i wasnt able to run with them and suffer with them. many times i thought to myself, what kind of leader am i, to see my teammates train so hard for the school and i wasnt participate in the trainings with them, to know how they feel? sure, i did try my best to organize the camp and encouraged them, but i knew, it wasnt enough.

sometimes i wonder if i have any talent at all.

i remembered clearly, in sec 1, those who hadnt got at least a bronze in swimmming had to go for the swimming course to pass the test and get the cert. I knew how to swim, so i was in the better group, in the sense that we would get the bronze cert at the end of the course, but for those who had no idea of swimming at all, would get some other cert. so anyway, there was this session where the coach threw his goggles at the deepest point in the 1.8m pool and everybody had her turn to dive down and retrieve it. when i heard that, i was like, shit, cos i didnt know how to dive at all. i let everyone else went first, and all of them could retrieve it. my heart sank deeper as it was going to be my turn soon. when the instructor asked who else had not done it, i was prepared to hide myself at one corner and kept my mouth shut. but, some of them looked at me and i knew there was no way out. so i dragged myself to do it. as expected, i didnt manage to reach it. i tried many times, pushing myself down into the base of the pool, but before i could even touch the goggles, i was up. 2 of the girls, michelle and kimberley gave me pointers on how to do it. i tried using their advice,but still failed. in the end, the instructor asked kimberley to take it for me. i was so embarrassed, and was on the verge of crying. it was only until i was showering after the lesson that i had it out. i felt so bad and kept thinking how useless i was.

many atimes i also had feelings like that. during intelligent discussions in class, i was never the one to come up with the most important point, not even anything close. how i wish someday, i can make some sort of intelligent comment and that the tutor will point at me and said with admiration, "yes, that's what i have been waiting to hear", or just simply, "YES!". i dont know, maybe this day will come, or maybe never will, since im not the type of person who thinks. i just follow. and though some people may say i did well in my studies and all, it's not because im smart. im not smart. in fact, im slower than others in studying. and my method of studying is wrong. i dont understand, i only memorise. i guess the only thing i am relieved of is i can memorise stuff a little bit better than the rest.

not just in studies, but just simply during trainings. during sprints, im always one of the last few to reach the line. no matter how hard i pushed, i can never be faster than them. no matter how hard i try, my balls are always softer than others.

today, i felt the same way again. i tried my best, i really did try my very best, but i couldnt finish the climb. i was so lousy that the instructor could remember my name. and he only remembered a few names. even though i got my level 1 cert at the end, so what. anybody can get that as well.

i dont well. it just seems that i cant seem to do anything well, like i have no particular talent at all. yes i know, it's not just abt talent, there needs to be hard work as well. but sometimes, working hard is not plainly not enough.

emo entry, forgive me.